Hi Emily and Ben,
Ken the Wedding Photographer here! Thanks again for picking me to shoot your wedding! I'm honored to share your big day with you and capture the moments that you'll treasure for a lifetime.
One tiny thing: I got your "shot list" for the day and I noticed that you guys didn't put down any "Funny Photos." Big mistake! I've photographed so many wedding and the funny wedding photos are always the best part. I know what you're probably thinking: "Everybody always does the same funny wedding photos," right? Don't worry! I've got a bunch of ideas on how we can up the ante for some big time laughs!
First, you guys should do something like this photo, where the bride is dragging the groom away from his buddies.
The bride is like "Fun's over, pal.", right? And all the groomsmen are all like "Here comes this bitch to ruin our good time!" Because a woman is messing up a man's life by making him marry her. Very fun.
Emily, what if we got a shot of you holding a big leather leash and walking Ben around on his hands and knees like a fucking dog? Cause then it's really like that thing of, "Your life is over. I control you now. I own you. Marriage is a prison and I am your jailer." Do you guys have a leash that you'd want to use or do want me to bring one?
Here's one I've seen a lot that uses a little camera trick to make it look like the bride has turned into a giant and is about to squash the groomsmen with her foot.
It's all like "Here comes the bride... ZILLA!" Because women are big, crazy monsters about their weddings!
But now I'm thinking like "How bad and crazy can Bridezilla get?" Of course Bridezilla is gonna stomp out the groomsmen. Those sweaty, whisky-soaked, little horn dogs are always trying to find ways to fuck up a wedding. But we maybe get one of the Bridezilla foot squashing her Bridesmaids into a bloody pulp because they forgot their flowers in the limo? Or one of the Bridezilla foot squishing her mother and father's heads like little grapes when they make a last minute switch on the seating chart? Would the Bridezilla foot rub out the the budding life of her Flower Girl if she cried her way down the aisle? Oh! What about this? Father O'Donnell on his knees outside of the church, his hands clasped in prayer around a crucifix, his view of the Heavens blocked out by the bottom of your blue, boat-sized Manolo Blahniks. It's like, "Even God better watch out if he messes up my day!" right, Emily?! You get it because you're getting married, so you're, like, automatically insane. And trust me. You're gonna want a photo that makes it look like you're as insane as I know you are.
On that note, we could do one of the wedding party running away from a big dinosaur.
So good! It's all like "Is that a T-Rex?! We just wanted to have fun! This wedding is ruined! Ahh!"
But what if instead Photoshop-ing in a dinosaur, we put plopped in fifty-foot tall Emily trying to pass out sparklers to everyone? Cause then it's like everyone's saying "Is that Emily?! We just wanted to have fun! This wedding is ruined! Ahh!" Like, let's put something really scary in there to chase them, right? (Ben, you know what I'm talking about! Emily, don't you act like you're not awful and irrational!)
Oh! And Emily, we gotta make sure to get a shot of Ben staring at your boobs through a big telescope or something like this one.
I love it! He's all like "Finally, something about her I like."
Maybe we even go topless for this one? Maybe we just just have Ben fondling your bare breast with both hands? Because then it's really like "I view my wife, primarily, as a sexual object. The only consolation to being dragged kicking and screaming by this woman into a life of perpetual misery is my access to her physical body. I do not find joy in her personality or at the prospect of sharing a life together. The only "plus" for me in this arrangement is the inflated sense of ego I experience knowing that I now possess the rights to her reproductive capabilities." This one might be too steamy to put in the album, but I'll make sure to get you a copy to keep in the bedroom. ; )
When you guys are done laughing, let me know what you think!