Attention: The Office Men's Room Toilets Aren't Automatic Flush

Just so we have it officially in writing: the men's room toilets in this office building are not automatic flush. They are manual flush toilets with a flusher much like the one you probably have at home.

It is mind-boggling to me that I have to write this memo, but you guys have left me no other choice. I've left numerous reminders all on every stall door. I've placed Post-It Notes on each toilet clearly indicating where the flusher is. Yet at the end of single day, each of our seven men's room toilets are unflushed, without fail.

Let me cut you all off at the pass – the men's room toilets are not on a super-delayed automatic flush. When you leave the bathroom, they do not flush. After lunch, they do not flush. At 4:30, they do not flush. At one AM when the night janitor is restocking the paper towels, they still do not flush. They will only flush when someone flushes them, and that someone is always me. It has been a disgusting, and frankly, humiliating task to flush seven toilets filled practically to the brim of my employee's fecal matter. That's right – filled to the brim. How, you ask? Because they are not automatic flush toilets. They will not flush by themselves, even if they are dangerously close to overflowing. Yes, let me repeat that – there is no “dead man's switch” that flushes when the bowl reaches capacity. Did you know that when a toilet is too full of bowel movement, it will not flush until some of the bowel movement is removed? Someone has to manually remove excess bowel movement, flush the toilet,  insert the excess bowel movement back into the toilet, flush, and repeat until all the bowel movement is gone. For the past five months, that someone has been me.

I'm sending this out as a company-wide memo because it apparently doesn't solely pertain to the men in the office. I've seen numerous women walk into the men's room to marvel at their automatic flush toilets, waiting in vain for them to flush. Entire workdays have been lost as both the men and the ladies stand around the toilets waiting for them to automatically flush. No, it is not pressure sensitive. You can add or remove as much weight as you want and the toilet will still not flush. No, it is not on a proximity trigger. You can travel fifty miles in any direction and the toilet will still not flush. No, there is no biometric scan. Please do not come into my office, drag me into the men's room, and force my head into a toilet full of your excrement anymore.

I don't know how this automatic flush rumor got started. Frankly, I don't want to know. I just want it to stop. The past five months have been the worst months of my life. My family has ordered my to stay at a Ramada Inn until I no longer come home smelling like human waste. I spend my nights showering for three and a half hours while the loud sounds of what I can only hope to be extremely violent group sex pour through the paper-thin walls.

Also, I cannot be responsible for physically digging used tampons out of the men's room toilets anymore. I don't know how you ladies got it in your head that an automatic flush toilet is a license to flush tampons. It is still bad for the plumbing.