by Matt Baca
Physicists at the Large Hadron Collider recently determined that everything everywhere could just—blammo—disappear because of the nature of the Higgs boson, a very small and important elementary particle. At any moment!
But let’s talk about why the possible impending collapse of the universe and/or multiverse presents a great early-stage investment opportunity. Our beta testing shows that urban twenty- to thirty-somethings have a non-negligible hope that the whole world and many of its particles will continue not vanishing into a yawning chasm of utter nothingness. We also like t-shirts with silly slogans.
Over the last several years, particles have made up some of America’s best things—things like air, water, and Bryan Cranston. We think people pretty much everywhere, and especially Millennials, have gotten comfortable with matter and the forward-moving arrow of time. In fact, most would resist any other way of life, such as living in a complete vacuum or in an even completer vacuum that’s void of quantum fluctuations.
That’s why we harness the power of the crowd to disrupt the universe's fundamental instability. Our users press a simple, UI-optimized button to request the continued existence of time and matter up to three times per day from any device or platform (unlimited times per day for Pro Members). Each time our users click the EXYST button, we feed a message straight into the very essence of the universe. Rather than getting into the theoretical physics, which I can assure you we totally get, let’s just say this: we have a 100% association between use of our platform and the continued non-disappearance of everything!
We’re like Uber for everything existing!
And here’s why we’re growing. This generation doesn’t want to just exist like our parents’ generation. Millennials won’t simply wait and see if things we care about will continue not blinking out of existence, things like social justice and air plants. No. We want to contribute something immediate and substantial to all things everywhere by tapping a button a few times each day. Our users love doing their part to maintain the relativistic tapestry that weaves together time, space, and heirloom grains!
We have great traction already, with nearly hundreds signed up, plus an enviable rate of returning users thanks to our targeted and tested notifications:
Are you the kind of person who clicks this button or the kind of person who doesn’t believe MARRIAGE EQUALITY or anything else should exist?
Breaking: science shows that KICKBALL depends on particles.
You won’t be alone in investing in us. We’ve already raised $2 million in seed and venture funding. We’re putting that investment straight into an in-office staging of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, which we’ve been really meaning to watch!
Plus, both co-founders have read part of that book about string theory!
How are we going to make money? Our advertising partners know that if you’re young and glad things exist, you’ll love these colorful wingtips! And lower student loan rates! Check out these 11 weird things you can do to improve your memory… only within a physically-existing universe! Plus we collect and sell valuable data on our users, including (but not limited to) everything they choose not to opt out of not not sharing with us.
Hey—we just raised another $1 million! We’re going to convert the first floor of our building into a giant game of Hungry Hungry Hippos! It’ll simulate particle collisions or whatever.
Here’s how our startup doesn’t work. It is not the case that clicking our proprietary button sends an email to email@example.com. Or that this startup is just a scheme to effectuate a very specific and detailed fantasy that involves playing a game of giant Hungry Hungry Hippos with Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bryan Cranston. And in this specific and detailed fantasy we become really good friends and custom design a silly t-shirt with a physics pun, something like “Boson Buddies.” Ha!
And no, it’s not the case that we wake up at night wondering how-slash-why firstname.lastname@example.org returns a bounceback and if anyone out there is listening at all!
Non-trivial possibility of cataclysmic armageddon? More like spontaneous tunneling to an exit event. Right? Thanks for considering us and the standard model of particle physics!
Matt Baca is an attorney for migrant farm workers and a writer in Colorado.