by Richie Pepio
Dear Mr. Stanley Lee,
Your movies feature action in New York, London, Washington, D.C., and, according to my nephew, the planet-sized-floating-head-of-a-decapitated-Celestial. But when will your Avengers protect Minneapolis?
Seriously! Inspire legions of new fans by blowing the Twin Cities into a flaming cinematic HELLSCAPE!
Here are some suggestions for your next Marvelous venture:
Open on veteran and hero, Captain America, paying respects to fallen comrades at THE GRAND ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC CIRCLE on VICTORY MEMORIAL PARKWAY!
Anthony Stark, aka The Iron Man, gives a lecture on Minnesota tech startups in the post-recession economy, when an executive with a British accent reveals himself as Thor’s evil brother, Loki! The Iron Man shoots a laser — out of his chest! Loki blocks it with one of his mythological fishing nets, but gets tied up and bound in entrails (source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loki)! At the New Stark Building in THE MINNEAPOLIS FINANCIAL DISTRICT!
Thor and Natalie Portman search for the last golden compass or something in either the AMERICAN SWEDISH INSTITUTE or the MINNESOTA STREETCAR MUSEUM! Then, a space-hologram of Anthony Hopkins as God tells Thor that he’s had the power in him all along and he must fulfill the prophecy hidden in the first draft of The Great Gatsby at the F. SCOTT FITZGERALD HOUSE in ST. PAUL, “the most livable city in America!”
Oh, for cute! The Hulk and Cobie Smulders (TV’s $#*! My Dad Says) kiss in one of the movie’s only “talking” scenes at the always-romantic MINNEHAHA FALLS!
Later, Thor leads the Avengers to the new US BANK STADIUM! They distract Thanos by surrounding Thor by other Vikings — THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS! The Vikes’ offensive line subdues Thanos with a “clothes-line tackle” while he’s finally overtaken by the local FOND DU LAC BAND of the LAKE SUPERIOR CHIPPEWA RESERVATION and their brand of NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRIT MAGIC!
Thanos dies! Falling on one of several UGLIER LOCAL STRUCTURES LISTED IN ATTACHED MEMO!
At the end, the mayor of Minneapolis (played by you, the incomparable Stanley) gives the Avengers the key to the city while Samuel Jackson gives them a piece of his mind — on the steps of TARGET FIELD, home of 1991 World Series Champs, THE MINNESOTA TWINS!
But don’t you know it, post-credits, we see Thanos’ fist come up through his grave plot in TEMPLE ISRAEL CEMETERY!
By considering these alterations to either Captain America 4, Thor 3, or a future spinoff with a working title of Avengers: Minnetonka War, we can promise you a competitive tax break and a premiere at the famed GUTHRIE THEATER! You can bet I’ll be there opening night dressed as my favorite comic book character, Linus!
Director, Minneapolis Dept. of Tourism
Richie Pepio is a writer, actor, and improviser who tumbls @Mindctrlaltdel and tweets @RichiePepio.