I Think The Pope That Came To Trenton Was A Robot

Sure, he looked exactly like the Pope. Sure, he said exactly what the Pope would say. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the Pope that came to Trenton was not the Pope, but actually, a hyper-intelligent robot.

My first clue that the Pope might not be exactly on the level was the Pope's own schedule. The Vatican released the Pope's itinerary – Washington, DC, New York, and Philadelphia – before the Pope's US visit. It was only on Sunday that the Pope's schedule was updated to include Trenton, New Jersey. At first, I thought nothing of this. I only pumped my fists and cheered that the Pope was coming to New Jersey's capital city. But I became a little suspicious when the schedule said “TRENTON – ROBOT POPE” before being replaced with “TRENTON – HUMAN POPE” before being replaced with “TRENTON – POPE.”

The second clue came during the Pope's drive into Trenton. We all expected the Pope would take his signature Pope-mobile over the Trenton Makes Bridge. Instead, the Pope flew through the air, powered by rockets that shot out of his feet. When the Pope landed, he acted very frail and old, causing the crowd to rush to his aide – the perfect distraction. But I wasn't going to be thrown off the Pope's trail that easy.

During mass, everything seemed on the up and up, and I began to think that maybe I was being paranoid. When the Pope said that Trenton was his favorite town in America, however, I knew something was up. Trenton isn't a town – it's a city. A human being would know this, no problem. But a robot would make this kind of error nine times out of ten. Also, during the entire mass, sparks were clearly shooting out of the Pope's shoulders.

After the Pope was fed a sufficient amount of motor oil, the liturgy continued without hiccup. My fears that the Catholic Church was pulling the wool over Trenton's eyes were assuaged. But as if on cue,

in the middle of the homily, the Pope loudly shouted “INSERT DISK 2 TO CONTINUE.” A cardinal immediately rushed the stage, opened the Pope's mouth, and fed him a small disc-like object that was either a CD-ROM or the holy sacrament. The Pope then continued talking as normal. Sure, the Pope could have just been telling a joke, like the cardinal said, or was delirious from hunger, like the cardinal said after he got a sense that the crowd wasn't buying it. But if that was the case, why did the Pope blue screen during the Peace Be With You's? I have seen the Pope on television countless times, and never once did all the life immediately evaporate from his eyes as his hat turned navy blue with the words “KERNEL PANIC” scrolling down the side. The arch bishops then scrambled to find extension cords to plug the Pope into a portable generator as the Pope, in his own holy words, “power cycles and reboots.” I 100% believe that the Pope is the vessel of God on earth and that God wants his messenger to have a fully charged battery, but it really feels like the simplest explanation is that the Vatican built a Pope robot as an audacious display of their nigh-limitless influence, wealth, and power. I don't know much Latin, but I'm almost positive it doesn't sound like a 56k modem connecting to America Online. And when I said as much, a deacon just explained it was “new Latin.” Which I almost believed, before realizing when I got home that Latin has been a dead language for centuries. But by then, it was too late – the Pope had already transformed into a mid-sized luxury sedan and drove away.

I know you don't believe me – I hardly believe it myself. I would've taken a picture, but the Pope disabled all smartphones with an EMP pulse that emitted from his mouth as he spoke his anti-abortion hate speech.