Presidential candidate Donald Trump is making headlines this week for his terse response to an op-ed penned by basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in which the six-time NBA Champion calls Trump a “bully.” Coincidentally, we here at Janice fucked up bad trying to make ceviche for our lady this weekend and have been laid up for the past couple of days while our butts and guts get their shit straight. What follows is a selection of distinctive moments from a recent fever dream we had where Kareem and Trump faced-off on the hardtop for a good old fashioned game of hoops.
- Even though it’s a game of one on one, Donald Trump insists on playing shirts vs. skins. (No one can quite put their finger on it, but the crowd agrees that there’s something about the way Trump says it that makes it feel weirdly racial.) As soon as Trump starts to take off his shirt, out pops his pasty, veiny, sagging gut. When Trump lifts his arms over his head, the crowd gets a good look at the exposed metal plate fused into the skin over his heart. The crowd is really grossed out too even touch their popcorns and Sprites. Kareem senses this and says “I’ll probably sweat right through this thing anyway” and takes off his shirt to reveal his surprisingly toned and torso for a sixty eight-year-old man. The impressed crowd applauds in appreciation of Kareem’s killer bod and resumes eating their snacks. Then Kareem says “You think that popcorn’s good? Try it with a little cheese!” and grabs two handfuls of parmigiano-reggiano and starts grating them on his abs and the crowd loses their shit.
- Kareem shoulders past Trump and puts up a layup. The ball bounces all around the rim, but doesn’t drop. As Trump takes the ball out, Kareem looks back at the rim and goes “You’re fired” and does the little hand thing too. It’s a bad impression, but it still absolutely slays and the crowd goes totally nutzo. Donald gets all red in the face and squeezes the ball so hard that it pops and even though it’s 17-3 Kareem makes him walk to the Modell’s to buy a new one.
- The Dream drives at Trump. Trump looks to take the charge, but Kareem jumps and dunks right on top of him. We’re talking about an old-school, legs-split-over-the-head “posterizing,” baby. Then Jorge Ramos pops out of the stands and says “Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Trump, but one question: What’s Kareem’s Ka-rotch taste like?” This also absolutely kills and the crowd laughing and cheering so hard that it looks like the bleachers are going to collapse.
- Kareem’s backs Trump down into the paint and goes for his signature “skyhook” shot. The wind created by the long, graceful arc of Kareem’s arm blows Trump’s toupée right off of his head and before it even touches the ground, a large bird of prey swoops down and snatches it in her talons. Time seems to stand still as Kareem, Trump, and The Crowd watch the bird soar away to a jagged cliff near the basketball court. The bird fashions Trump’s tangled mess of poorly painted horse hair into a nest and lays three eggs inside of it. In an instant, the eggs hatch into three very hungry babies. Their mother regurgitates copious amounts of half-digested fish, worms, and rats into their mouths which they promptly digest and then shit into Donald Trump’s wig, filling it to the brim with loose, stinky bird poo. The three birds grow up to be big strong birds and soon fly away from their scat covered home. Watching them go, the mother bird immediately dies of a broken heart and her body starts to fester and rot right on top of her children’s revolting pile crap. Another strong wind picks up, blows the wig off the cliff and right back onto Donald Trump’s head with a sickening splat. Then everyone hears this whistling noise coming from above. It starts getting louder and louder and everyone cranes their necks skyward to see a basketball rocketing towards the earth from the heavens above. Slowly, it dawns on everyone... it’s Kareem’s skyhook from before! It still hadn’t dropped! Despite the rivers of bird guts and bird shit streaming down his forehead and into his eyes, Trump watches with both awe and horror as the shot swishes so hard that the net snaps off and the whole hoop falls over. That’s game and everyone starts going insane and a bunch of dudes are proposing to their girlfriends with big fat diamond rings because they know that no moment will ever be more perfect than this.