by Laura Winther Galaviz

“I think it’s particularly inappropriate to politicize an event like this that just happened in the last day and a half. It’s entirely premature to be discussing about legislative solutions.” - Mitch McConnell, October 3, 2017

First of all, we would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for disrespecting victims of gun violence by directly addressing the issue that caused them to lose their lives. In the spirit of humility and cooperation, we would like to suggest to our readers and leaders some more appropriate avenues and venues for addressing the gun debate.

To kickoff the toast at your best friend’s wedding

We suggest: “No seriously, though, I’m so glad I could be here today, because so many people couldn’t, because our politicians are in the pocket of the NRA and we need to do something.”

As a rousing end to the eulogy at the funeral of your grandmother, taken at 95 by pneumonia

We suggest: “Grandma was taken from us too soon. Much like the 93 Americans killed by guns on an average day in this country.”

Worked into a soliloquy during your role as MacBeth at the community theater

We suggest: “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, there’s probably going to be another gun death, if you assholes don’t do something.”

Ad-libbed into the middle of Green Eggs and Ham, at the point when your toddler always nods off

We suggest: No one needs to own bump stocks, no one needs to own a glock. We don’t want to take your firearm, we just want to minimize harm.

As an additional verse of American Pie, because no one knows those middle ones anyway:

We suggest: I met a girl who sang the blues/and I asked her for some happy news/ but she just passed comprehensive gun reform

Hidden deep inside the ITunes User Agreement

We suggest: Just clicking “I agree”. No one knows what the hell is in there.

Scrawled on the side of a bathroom stall

We suggest: For a good time call your local senator and insist he do something to protect innocent citizens from mass shootings.

Slurred into a 3am drunk dial message to your ex-girlfriend

We suggest: Pick up, Ashley. Listen, I still love you, and I know we can make this work. If you’ll just talk to me, I know we can figure out how to preserve Second Amendment rights, while passing laws that address new firearm developments the Founding Fathers never imagined.

Laura Winther Galaviz lives in Kalamazoo, MI, where she works for a non-profit by day and teaches College writing at night. You can find her work in The Rumpus, McSweeney’s, Permafrost, The Offing and elsewhere.