by Clayon Moore
Dearest James Madison,
It has come to my attention that you are working on a set of ten amendments to our new constitution. I’d like to request, that as a personal favor, you include one that requires all civilians of the new republic to come see my two man improv show, Turtle Holster. I mean, the document already contains ten amendments. Who shall truly notice one more? Plus the show is good. Like, quite good.
Turtle Holster is myself and my best friend from high school, Stuart, and it’s easily the highlight of my month. It’s the only place in my life where I can verily kick back and be myself. The rest of my day is “Sign this, Mr. Jefferson.” and “Recite the declaration, Thomas.” but on stage I become any being I desire. Stuart and I have received nothing but positive feedback. A couple of my co-workers saw the show and told me they find us funnier than Saturday Night Live Pig Wrestling Matches and my wife said it was “Really cute.” I feel that if everyone in the colonies wouldst come watch, they’d really dig it, and wouldn’t it be nice for a new nation to have a shared fandom to unite its populous? That could be Turtle Holster.
Frankly speaking, Madison, we could use the help. We’re trying to get a permanent slot at our theatre and if we don’t bring in the ticket sales they won’t give it to us. In fact, if you could include some suggestions in the amendment to encourage people to cheer and laugh with greater gusto for Turtle Holster than the group we open for, that’d be great. I think we’re far superior anyway. They’re called Ribbit (Ugh, what a imbecilic name) and they only have a slot because the daughter of the theatre’s owner is on the team. Verily, ‘tis BS! Also, the amendment could suggest that if a citizen sees Toby, the theatre director, they tell him how great they think Turtle Holster is. Wouldst mean the world to me and Stu.
Madison, this is the only request I’ll make of my nation. I’ve done so much for it, and I feel as though it owes me at least a chance to show my prowess on stage. I know you need my signature to ratify this new form of government, and I will not back any institution that refuses to promote my improv show. So be a pal. Yes and my idea and throw in the 11th amendment for ole Tommy Jeffs.
Also, come see the show yourself. I know you were planning to come last month, but then you messaged me about how you weren’t “feeling it tonight.” and how you were “gonna stay in and hang with the wife.” I believe you should really try to make it this month, though. And no offense, but one should not RSVP to stuff and then bail. ‘Tis flakey AF (And Foul).
Anyway, I’ve included a pamphlet about our show with this letter. Let me know about the amendment thing, and look forward to seeing you at our next show.
If you could post Turtle Holster’s page onto your garden wall, wouldst be quite rad.
Clayton is a misguided high schooler who occasionally takes breaks from watching reruns of Star Trek: TNG to write for the internet.