As a violent deviant, Halloween is my favorite time of the year. After all, there's no other season where hordes of children come rushing to your door, ready and willing to put whatever you give them in their mouths. Every October 1st, I rush to my local drug store and stock up on razor blades and fun size Snickers, M and M's, and Kit Kats. As the leaves turn to a crisp red and yellow, I put the Monster Mash on my turntable and sing along with delight as I carefully unwrap each piece of candy and slide a razor blade inside, resealing it so no one's the wiser. Sure, it eats up all my weekends and weeknights, but it's my passion project, no different than making a ship in a bottle, fly fishing, or building a shrine in my bedroom to my co-worker Kathy. It's a lot of work, but ultimately, when I read news stories of children choking to death after swallowing their own blood, a very rewarding hobby.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered they make candy bars with razor blades already inside of them. They were being advertised in the latest issue of Debauchery magazine. While the editors were gushing over their convenience and efficiency, I was mourning the end of an era.
I'm not normally the guy to badmouth technology. I own a iPhone 6 Plus, for God's sake. The photos I can take of children at the park are crystal clear, and I can share them with a worldwide network of perverts at the push of a button. But these candy bars with razor blades are making me fold my arms and yearn for a simpler time. I know I must sound like one of those audiophiles who only buy music on vinyl because the cracks and pops are more “pure.” But there's something about putting my own razor blades in candy that makes hurting innocent children feel like a gentleman's game. If anyone can do it, what's the point?
My fellow creeps and criminals have been going on and on about how these new candy bars with razor blades in them are a game-changer for spreading fear, pain, and misery on Halloween. They say the amount of hours saved from not having to delicately slip a razor blade between milk chocolate and a thin layer of nougat will give us more time to oil the rusty chains in our basement dungeons. But I can't help but feel that the enjoyment of slicing kid's tongues is lost. I like combing through real estate listing to find a house to rent in a popular school district. I like reading trade magazines about all the latest in razor blade technology. Did you know that there are razor blades less than a millimeter thick? And that there are razor blades sharp enough to slice through a penny? You don't need to know that anymore. And that makes my stomach churn.
“Overproduced” is a word music fans toss around for albums that are slick, but feel inorganic and hollow. That's exactly how I'd describe these candy bars with per-inserted razor blades. I'm proud to be the SST Records of creeps. When it comes to shredding up a child's insides, I most certainly jam econo.