Wow. Here we are again. The Rose Ceremony. I’ve got to say, this never gets any easier. I’ve got four incredible guys in front of me, but only three roses. It’s an especially difficult decision for me because I feel like I really learned a lot on our group jetski date. Mostly, I learned that you guys are really into jetskis.
Brian, I feel like you finally came out of your shell on this date. When the jetski instructor was teaching everyone how to use the jetskis you totally lit up and I saw this whole other side of you that I never knew was there. But after that, I didn’t see you at all. You spent the rest of the date alone on a jetski and didn’t come back until dark.
Shawn, I had so much fun riding around with you, but I don’t think you noticed when I fell off the back of our jetski. Or maybe you did and then you forgot? You just left me floating there. At first, I thought it was a flirty prank, but you kept riding around for twelve more minutes. I got really cold and tired treading water for that long. You said you couldn’t figure out how to turn around, but that can’t be true because I could see you doing a bunch of donuts and stuff. You really had a handle on that thing.
Shawn M., I have to admit that I got a little excited when you took us way out on the water. I thought maybe you wanted a private moment alone with me, but I think you were just getting far enough from shore so you could try a bunch of dumb stuff on the jetski without the instructor seeing you and getting mad. I was really hoping to have a heart to heart. Instead, you just kept singing the chorus of “Born To Be Wild” and driving the jetski with your feet.
Shawn C., we shared our first kiss on this date, which, honestly, I’ve felt like was long time coming. There’s been this crazy sexual tension between us ever since you pulled that flirty prank where you pushed me into a water trough on our horseback riding date. Last night, everything was perfect. We were alone on the dock at sunset with a bottle of champagne. We locked eyes and I went for it, but then you grabbed my face and said “Let’s do this on the jetski.” It was kind of a mood killer, especially since the producers made us stop and put on life vests before they would let us on the water. The kiss was pretty good, but you kept gunning the motor the entire time. There’s just a lot there that I don’t really want to unpack.
Listen, guys. We’ve got a bunch more fun dates coming up and I just want to make sure that you guys are here for the right reasons. At the start of the day, I would have said “My husband is on one of those jetskis,” but now I’m not so sure. I’m looking for love, but if all you guys are looking for is snowmobile adventures and paintball wars then you can show yourself out.
Well, now that I’ve said my peace, I’ve got a little surprise. Because Shawn Z. broke his neck trying to jump that wake, no one is going home tonight. Get a good night’s sleep, because I’m expecting a lot more from you guys at our Segway basketball game tomorrow.