There’s been a lot of back and forth about who came out on top during Tuesday night’s Democratic Presidential Debate. The internet polls are giving it to Bernie. The pundits are giving it to Hillary. Hey, some people think that O’Malley deserves a little credit just for making a splash.
Well, they’re all dead fucking wrong.
The real winner wasn’t up on that stage. The real winner wasn’t even in the room. The real winner sitting on his couch in Brooklyn, NY watching the debate on his roommate’s laptop.
The real winner was me and my killer fucking zings.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “But everyone watching the debate at home was probably spouting off zings. Could your zings have really been that much better than the zings that everyone else was coming up with?”
Yes. My zings were tight as Hell.
And I know what you’re probably thinking now: “But Hilary looked so polished and relaxed! But Bernie got to bring his socialist message to a mainstream television audience! And these debates are helping them get closer to becoming the President of the United States of America. Even if your zings were as tight as you say they were, can you really say that you came out ahead of a possible next ‘Leader of the Free World?’”
Yes, I can. My zing-shit was that fucking hot.
For three straight hours I was on fucking fire. I had a zing for everything. Anderson Cooper’s glasses? Clark Kent called and said he wants them back. Zing. Questions submitted via Facebook? Hey, Zuckerberg! Where’s that ‘dislike’ button you promised! Zing. The podiums? A plexiglass salesman’s wet dream. Zing. Not to mention that the candidates could barely get a word out without me zing-ing ‘em so hard it would have made their head spin if we were in the same room together.
Unfortunately, only my roommate Sean, his girlfriend, Emily, her friend from college, Britt, and the fourteen people who tuned into my debate night Periscope can fairly stack up the quality of my zings against the performance of the actual candidates, so I’ve compiled a little highlight reel of zings to get everyone up to speed.
When I Talked About What “Damn Emails” I’m REALLY Tired Of
Bernie Sanders got a standing ovation when he steered the debate away from the controversy surrounding Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server during her time as Secretary of State, saying that “the country is sick and tired of hearing about [her] damn emails.”
Pretty classy move on the part of the Senator from Vermont, but I totally out-zinged him when I was like “Know what emails I’m sick and tired of? J. Crew newsletters! I buy one pair of khakis two years ago and all of a sudden we’re pen pals for life? They’re popping up in my inbox every goddamn day and it’s like “I get it! It’s sweater weather!” Plus, how many sales do you guys have? Is anything ever full price or are y’all just that thirsty to get me into an oxford?” Zing.
When I Made Hillary Into a #bae GIF
Anderson Cooper asked Hillary Clinton if she wanted to respond to Lincoln Chafee’s critique of her credibility and she was all like “No” and the crowd went wild. That’s some quick thinking on Hill-Dog’s part, but not as quick as me when it only took me nine minutes to think up and tweet a GIF Hilary saying “No” with the caption “when #bae ask if u wanna go shoppin.” 12 favorites. 3 retweets. Twitter-verse approved Zing.
When I Gave Some “Advice” on How to “Break Up” the Big Banks
There was a lot of back and forth between all candidates about whether or not it would be possible to break-up the big banks and honestly I think that the one voice that rose above all the rabble was mine, screaming “If you want advice on ‘break-ups’ why don’t you talk to Taylor Swift!” Wall Street Zing. T-Swift Zing.
All of The Names I Called Jim Webb
Over the course of the debate, I zinged Jim Webb by calling him the following names based on his appearance:
- Turtle Man
- Man of Melting Wax
- A Fat Thumb in a Suit
- Vincent DiNofrio as the bug in the farmer’s skin from ‘Men in Black’
- A Lego Man Come to Life and Then Melted
Zings. Zings all the way down the line.
When I Called Martin O’Malley “Martin O’Daddy”
Anderson Cooper took Martin O’Malley to task for the current unrest in Baltimore, the city where he served as mayor for seven years. O’Malley defended the city’s high arrest rate as a necessary measure to restore order and safety. I also happened to notice O’Malley is also a very handsome older man. That’s when I got the idea to say “Martin O’Daddy doesn’t like it when I stay out past curfew” in a little sexy baby voice.
Every time Lincoln Chafee came on the screen, I would yell “Bye, Felicia” and wave my hand dismissively. I’m not exactly sure where “Bye, Felicia” even comes from, but I’m very, very confident that I was using it in an appropriate context.
Of course, you're not going to here a peep about me or my killer fucking zings out of the "lamestream" media. Why? Well, just follow the facts: CNN hosted the debate and gave Hillary the most speaking time out of any candidate. Then, CNN called the debate for Hillary. CNN is owned by Time Warner and Time Warner is one of Hillary's biggest campaign contributors. My zings, no matter how hot, don't stand a chance against the workings of the political machine.
Man, it just sucks that Time Warner can use it's various news outlets to influence and manipulate public opinion in favor of the presidential candidate that they are financing, but they still can't figure out how to get me a working DVR.
Zing. Set. Match.