Hello, residents of Ramsey, New Jersey! The Ramsey public pool has gone through the complaint box and read your gripes about the Ramsey public pool. We take your summer fun very seriously, and have made improvements to our facilities that we're sure you'll love. Summer '15 is going to be the biggest and best summer yet!

Higher High Dive: our eight and a half foot high dive was not enough for you adventurous swimmers, so we're raising the high dive to twelve feet. But the high dive doesn't stop there. We're also building a “higher dive” that stands at a whopping sixteen feet. Still not high enough? Check out our “highest dive” which towers over the Ramsey public pool at twenty nine and a half feet. Say hello to the birds up there! Warning: the highest dive is not for children under the age of 21, pregnant women, or pansies.

Less Chlorine: We received several complaints that last year's pool season was plagued with too much chlorine. “My eyes!” wrote one anonymous complainer. This year, the Ramsey public pool will contain only a small trace of chlorine. While this will technically violate New Jersey public health code, we believe that hefty fines and the community’s physical well being pale in comparison to the voice of the people! Please shower before and after using the pool!

No Adult Swim: “Adult swim is too stodgy and archaic,” wrote one complainer. “are we looking to segregate pool-goers based on ageism or are we a united township that celebrates diversity in the young and the old alike?” Such flowery language moved us to not only abolish adult swim but to bus in kids from Waldwick, Ho-Ho-kus, and Radburn. There will be blood? More like, there will be kids swimming at the Ramsey public pool! There will be so many kids you won't be able to move!

Summer Jams: “Swimming in the Ramsey public pool? No thanks, I'm going to that summer rock concert.” Did you find yourself saying that last summer? According to our complaint box, yes, at least two people did. But no more! We've hired rockers AC/DC to play every Thursday. “Dirty deeds! Done dirt cheap!” that's what you'll be hearing at the Ramsey public pool on repeat. And since some creative budgeting has forced the town to delay the 2015 school year until November, when Angus Young and the boys rock and roll, it won't be a school night!

More Adult Swim: We've also received complaints that our adult swim time is woefully limited, so we're expanding our adult swim to every Saturday and Sunday. All the kids we've bused in from Waldwick, Ho-Ho-Kus, and Radburn will be forced to sit in a hot bus while adults get the pool to themselves for a change. Enjoy a relaxing backstroke next to AC/DC's Brian Johnson – just be careful not to splash on his ivy hat.

Randy the Town Pervert Gets To Install Cameras In The Women's Restrooms: we received only one anonymous complaint that Randy The Town Pervert was not allowed to install cameras in the women's bathroom. But one complaint is still a complaint! This summer, there will be more cameras in, on, and around the women's toilets than a Hollywood movie set!

Skate Board Sundays: Every Sunday, the pool will be drained and turned into a wicked cool skate park for skaters. However, since we also received a complaint that there are too many skaters hanging around, the pool will be refilled and drained sporadically throughout the day. Can one badass skater dude skate through eight feet of unfiltered water while AC/DC's blasting their hits? Come to the Ramsey public pool this summer and find out!