Buyer Beware! A List of Everything The New Apple Watch CAN’T Do

There is a lot of buzz around the release of Apple’s newest product, the Apple Watch, later this month. We were all "gear"-ed up to try out the next step in wearable technology, but after a week of testing, the watch's lack of features really started to "tick" us off. We put together a list of the Apple Watch’s biggest limitations so you can decide for yourself if you want to spend the "time" to get your "hands" on one come April 24th.

Apple Watch was created so that we could spend less time with our noses stuck in our smartphones, but it does absolutely nothing to help you make sense of the cruel world you will now be forced to confront.

Apple Watch does not have a full keyboard. Instead, users can choose to reply to incoming messages with canned responses like “OK,” “What’s up?” or “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

When strapped around your dog’s neck, Apple Watch does not act as “bark translator.”

The Photos app allows you to store up to 500 photos on the device, but trying to masturbate to those images is an exercise in futility. The display was too small to do the erotica we loaded on our review unit any justice and attempts to keep the watch face viewable while simultaneously stimulating one’s genitals devolved into a Chaplin-esque physical comedy routine for any poor soul whose “watch hand” and “jack hand” are one in the same. However, using the rubber sport watch band Apple provided as a masturbatory sleeve was a semi-pleasurable experience.

Apple Watch will not allow its users to travel backwards through time, only to make small, insignificant, often inconvenient jumps into the future.

We guess you can wear Apple Watch on a chain like a pocket watch, but come on…

Despite the watch’s advanced fitness tracking abilities, the Activity app will only tell the user whether it thinks they are an “Oinker” or a “Moo Moo Cow.”

“Off” mode offers very limited functionality.

Excels as a “conversation starter,” but falters as “pussy/dick magnet.”

Only 986,000 possible combinations of hardware models and strap styles. 

Apple Watch’s Apple Pay is accepted at Whole Foods and McDonalds, but it does not allow for purchases made with “Social Media Currency.”

Unique and customizable watch faces only draw greater attention to the passing of time and the fact that nothing, especially not the little computer on your wrist, can stop from you from turning into a small pile of sand, just like everything else there ever was or ever will be.