by Karen Chee
You keep asking me to do mad libs together because that would be “romantic,” so I wrote you one for our [number of years we’ve been married] anniversary:
I’ve been cheating on you with [article] mailman. His name is Mark. He is stronger than you. He is smarter than you. He gives me the world and also the mail. He is [synonym for “really attractive”].
Mark proposed to me last week, [linking word] I said yes. I have printed and stapled our divorce papers to this card. Please sign them.
I have fallen [opposite of “in”] of love with you. You keep doing awful things, like bringing me breakfast when I’m still lying in bed. That’s dangerous; I could choke and [example of tragic death]. And why do you insist on eating dinner with candles when electricity exists? It’s like you want my eyesight to worsen, you [insulting name].
Also attached is the eight thousand dollar diamond necklace you bought me. Is that all you take me for – something to look at? Mark gave me a [large chain discount store] giftcard last week. He believes in my freedom to choose.
You don’t care about me. That’s fine. I care about [name of our gorgeous mailman whose strong arms embrace me every morning and whose soft lips passionately kiss mine as his silky, golden hair brushes my forehead] now.
I [hate] you.
Karen Chee is a writer/performer who often finds herself sitting in small cardboard boxes. She usually knows how she got there. Twitter: @karencheee.