Name: Duoanus - The Two Tailed Snake
Location: See that big star? OK, a little up and a little to the left.
Mythology: While out on a hunt, one of Artemis’ young handmaidens came across Duoanus, a snake with two tails and no head, writhing wildly on the ground. Taking pity on the vile creature, the handmaiden put him in her quiver and snuck him back to camp. Later that evening, while the hunting party feasted, Duoanus sprung forth from his hiding place. He flailed for a bit, knocking over cups and bowls and getting dirt into the handmaidens food, before Artemis picked him up and placed him in the night sky, just to kind of get him out of the way.
Name: Vigilanus - The Peeping Tom
Location: Right where that plane just flew! Right where that plane just flew!
Mythology: A lonely goat herder, Vigilanus would often drive his flock to the top of Mount Olympus so that he might sit quietly behind its mighty columns and watch the unknowing gods go about their business.
The gods despised Vigilanus. Hephaestus beat him with a hammer and shoved his head in a furnace when the blacksmith found him hiding under his bed and Ares had put a spear through one of his eyes as punishment for watching him change. Each time they caught Vigilanus, the gods would toss him and his goats down the side of Mount Olympus and tell him never to return. But there was not stopping Vigilanus. The crippled, burned, half-blind old creep would simply pick himself up, dust himself off, gather up his herd, and slowly plod his way back to the top.
One night, Vigilanus was watching Zeus bathe himself in milk and wine from behind a rock when he saw Hades appear in a cloud of fire, empty one of the pitchers, fill it with dog’s urine, and then vanish. When Zeus went to reach for the pitcher, Vigilanus called out.
Furious that the peeper had returned, Zeus hurled a fearsome thunderbolt into Vigilanus' frail, sunken chest, knocking the old man to the ground. Zeus then picked the sick little goat herder up over his head and carried to the side of Mount Olympus.
Just before Zeus was about to give Vigilanus a mighty heave, one of Vigilanus' faithful goats knocked over the pitcher, spilling dog's urine all over the bath house floor. Zeus quickly realized the unpleasantness the peeper had saved him from. To thank him, Zeus did not chuck that old pervert down the side of Mount Olympus, but rather chucked him straight into the starlit sky, so that he might spend every night peeping on all the world below.
Name: Saltantem Asinus - The Dancing Ass
Location: Ah, shit. Where’d it go?
Mythology: Apollo was hosting a night of music and dancing with a few close friends. Apollo was playing his lyre and stepping in time and everyone at the party agreed that no one in the world played or moved more beautifully than he.
Towards the end of the evening, an ass, attracted by wonderful sound of Apollo’s lyre, wandered out of the woods and into the firelight. As the party stared, the animal began to dance. It shuffled to the left and it shuffled to the right. It clacked its hooves and it swished its tail. It stood on its hind legs and it twirled and twirled and twirled and twirled. Apollo’s guests all joined in and started dancing with the ass. They told the ass that said that they had never seen more beautiful dancing from a beast... or a man.
Apollo was sick with envy of the dancing ass. He told his friends that they had been up all night and it was nearly time for him to bring the sun into the sky. Apollo asked the ass if he wouldn’t like to ride with him in chariot. The ass nodded and brayed and clacked its hooves and the two set off together.
When the chariot was at its highest point, Apollo turned to the ass.
“Pretty cool view, huh?” the sun god said, then shoved the ass out of the chariot and into the sky.
When Apollo returned that evening, he started strumming his lyre and stepping in time, but his friends would not dance. They all wanted to know where the ass had gone.
“Oh, he’s here,” said Apollo, pointing to the starry outline of the ass in the sky.
“Woah. Apollo… ” said his friends, gazing up at the heavens.
“What?” said Apollo. He stopped strumming and stopped stepping and walked a bit closer.
“Woah… Apollo…” repeated his friends, looking around nervously at each other. "That sure is some great dancing! Keep it up!”
So they danced and they laughed and they played all night and no really messed around with Apollo again after that.