by Caroline Drew
Dear Ticketmaster Employee,
My name is Frances P. Brannon - Fran for short - and I am writing to file a complaint. I recently purchased tickets to a gun show for me and my son, Glenn. Now, you can imagine our disappointment when we show up to the venue and there are no rifles, no AK-47s, not even a hand gun, but just some dude named Brundon in a tank top flexing.
Usually, I am not one to be negative. When I see it’s raining, I say, “Look at that! God’s having a sprinkler party!” and I go about my day. But this was unacceptable.
First off, what kind of name is Brundon? And yes - I know it was Brundon and not Brandon because when I said, “Excuse me sir, do you know where the gun show is?” He said, “Oh you’re here for the gun show? Then get ready for some fundon with Brundon. Watch me do this cartwheel!” Ticketmaster Employee, he could not do a cartwheel. He hit his head very hard.
Once Brundon arose from the ground, he asked if we had our tickets for the gun show. At this, we were elated. “Yes,” I said. “Yes, my name is Frances P. Brannon - Raisin Fran for short - and I have two tickets for the gun show.” Brundon took our tickets, swallowed them whole, and then proceeded to flex his arms for 30 seconds.
This was disturbing for a number of reasons. One, arms are NOT guns. They cannot shoot bullets nor can they accessorize a cowboy’s waist. Second, Brundon’s arms were very veiny and pink and in this way they resembled two giant, pulsing penises.
Now, in the right context, I would not complain about being faced with a pair of throbbing danglers. I’d say, “Look! It must be the Fourth of July, because Fran’s having a threesome!” But in this case, it was not Independence Day and I was not with my husband and his work friend, Papa John - yes, that Papa John.
In this case, I was with my 11-year-old son Glenn. Glenn has never seen a penis - not even his own - as he refuses to go into public restrooms or look below his waist. And okay, yes, Glenn is a weird kid. But he’s also VERY good at Roller Coaster Tycoon, so you can hold your tongue!
But even if Glenn wasn’t good at running virtual theme parks- he still did not deserve the utter disappointment we were met with today. Ticketmaster Employee, I have to say, I am enraged. We didn’t spend $250 to see Brundon’s arms. We spent it to see some big ole shootin’ sticks; some Second Amendment light sabers; some things you shouldn’t bring in your school backpack, but hey, some people do (I don’t judge!).
The point is, I expect a full refund for this purchase. Please send proof of reimbursement to my e-mail address, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Caroline Drew is a comedy writer living in New York City by way of Birmingham, Alabama. She's an alumnus of Wake Forest University's sketch troupe, the Lilting Banshees, and is currently one half of the writing duo, We're So Sorry.