I'm Reggie Hanes, and I'm the driver of the Bang Bus. People say to me, "Reggie, you're a sixty five year old Vietnam vet. What are you doing driving a bus where they film people having sex?
See, I come from a long line of Bang Bus drivers. My old man drove the Bang Bus. His old man drove the Bang Bus. Heck, my great great granddad drove the Bang Caravan during the California Gold Rush of 1849. Those prospectors kept shooting their loads on the back of my great great grandaddy's neck. Yup, ever since there's been sex on wheels, there's been a Hanes in the driver's seat.
Us Hanes men have seen a whole lot of history. My dad was there during the Civil Rights Movement, when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on Bang Bus. Folks didn't like it at the time, but now, the Bang Bus is integrated, and people of all different races eat each others assholes out in harmony.
I was a boy when the Beatles played the Ed Sullivan show. I became a man when they rode the Bang Bus. When they say the walrus was Paul, they're not kidding! Huuuuuuuge penis.
When the Berlin Wall came down, I was honking the Bang Bus's horn in solidarity. The powerful words of President Reagan will forever echo in my mind: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall and let the Bang Bus on through!” After being starved of the Bang Bus for so long, West Berlin could finally experience its fully glory. And experience it they did – in pile of sweaty, naked bodies, we were all West Berliners.
Everyone remembers where they were on 9/11. Me, I was driving the Bang Bus. Man, when those towers fell, I've never seen the Bang Bus so somber. People were crying, calling up their relatives, jerking off on the American flag. Me, I didn't know what else to do, so I kept on driving. I figured if the Bang Bus wasn't moving, the terrorists had already won.
It's not all sad, though. The night Barrack Obama got elected was a triumph. People were hugging, kissing, lots of kissing, little bit of felching. I was proud. As a country, we'd come so far. The Bang Bus had come so far. Greg had come so far. Seriously, the guy has a twenty foot cumshot – hit me right in the back of the neck. Unreal.
That pretty much brings us to today. You see, the story of the Bang Bus is really the story of America. Sure, every now and then we hit a pothole and we gotta stop to make sure nobody tore nothing, but through good times and bad, the Bang Bus keeps on busing. Well, that sticky blast I just felt means it's about time to wrap it up. Hope to see you on the Bang Bus real soon.