by William Reick
Although most economists favor England remaining a part of the European Union, the vote won't change anything for you at all, Timmy. David Cameron has resigned as prime minister, but you've never even heard of David Cameron, have you buddy? You live in Milwaukee, and you play with tiny dump trucks. And you know something Timmy? Despite the Brexit vote, your tiny dump trucks will be there when you wake up tomorrow morning.
The vote to secede from the EU will damage the value of the British pound, some say irreparably. But you pay for your imaginary dump truck services with Timmybucks, an imaginary currency you devised last year. Timmybucks, despite the Brexit vote, will remain absolutely worthless. You're not much of a businessman at all, Timmy. Diversify your assets.
Since the days of Margaret Thatcher, a vocal minority of British citizens have worked hard to petition their government to remove England from the European Union. Gradually, that minority grew larger during Tony Blair's term, and hit a critical mass while David Cameron was prime minister. Although the city of London will no doubt be hurt by the decision, Milwaukee, and particularly its population of 8-year-olds, will be absolutely unaffected.
Precocious or not, I find your line of questioning annoying as hell, Timmy. I don't like the way you've been regurgitating news stories just because you think it makes you sound smarter. You're not a naturally gifted conversationalist, and your efforts only serve to highlight that. I'm shocked that you haven't been completely alienated by your peer group, but, I suppose your dump truck services are top notch. The other kids need you, Timmy. Please spare them the boring drivel you hear on the news. You repeat things without understanding them. Please, Timmy, don't be a parrot.
Bill Reick is a sketch comedy writer from Philadelphia