How Trump Seez It: The Apollo 13 Mission

After the controversy surrounding Donald Trump's comments about Senator John McCain's military service, we here at Janice wanted to give the real-estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate an opportunity to air his opinions on some of history's other "heroes" in a column we're calling "How Trump Seez It." First up, "The Donald" sets the record straight on the Apollo 13 Mission.

Losers. Every last one of them. Loser egg-head nerds on the ground in Mission Control and a big tin can full of rocket-jockey losers floating around up there in space. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the mission was to land on the moon and at the end of the day, I don’t care what happens, if you’re not landing on the moon, then it’s a bust. If we’re not coming home with a bunch of moon rocks and space dust, that goes down in the books at NASA as a big, fat “F.” Because while those clowns are slingshotting around with their thumbs up their butts, Russia and China and who knows who else are all shooting up there and taking all the good rocks and all the good dust and we’re gonna be left with the scraps and we’re never gonna know what the moon’s made of.

If those thin-necked, thick-rimmed nerds were as smart and as brave as Spielberg (who, by the way, is an incredibly overrated as a filmmaker and has done absolutely horrible things for sharks in this country) and Hanks (who, frankly, was out-acted by a volleyball) all the Hollywood know-nothings who made that pile of trash movie would have you think then they would have figured out a way to make the air good and then still landed on the moon. Or landed on the moon with the bad air. I don’t care. I only want to hear about the bad air if you make it to the moon.

It’s not like we were even asking these guys to do anything too hard. Grab some moon rocks, play in the moon sand, bounce around in their moon suits, play a little moon golf, drive the little moon cart, and then come home. Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a kid’s birthday party. A low-class kid’s birthday party with a lightweight theme.

If you want difficult, try building a multi-billion dollar empire real and creating hundreds of thousands of jobs for honest, hard-working LEGAL, NON-RAPING Americans. But these idiot screwups are the ones collecting all the medals and getting all the movies and I’m the one being called a “clown?” I’m not the clown. The astronauts are the clowns. Clowns at the kid’s party on the moon where they’re the clowns.

And, I mean, have you seen the moon? That thing is huge. Absolutely huge and so close it that it takes up most of the sky. People laugh at me when I say that I feel like I can reach up grab it or at the very least hit it with a rock, but it is, honestly, that close. If I took Derek Jeter, in his prime, up to 40,000 feet in my private jet and let him lean out the window, I guarantee that he could hit the moon with a rock, it is that close and that big. So if a group of trained astronauts, with rockets and suits and helmets and computers everything, can’t make it there and back then I think there is a serious problem and, frankly, it disgusts me.