by Ali Dimoff
1. Wake up and stretch.
This step requires you to imagine your partner, let’s call him Joe, as a human target.
You must wake Joe. Your energy matters, and you want to save as much of it for the busy day ahead—straightening only the parts of your hair you’ll see; leaving late for your office job because Mittens, your cat, threw up; and listening to your coworker Linda yammer on about her son’s lacrosse team. The last thing you want is to waste energy making coffee. So Joe needs to wake up.
Stretch dramatically and aim for your target. Here’s the scoring system:
Arms = two points. Not a bad hit, but not guaranteed to wake him.
Head = five points. A whack to the head is almost a guaranteed wake-up.
Nose = 10 points. If you can find a way to hone in on the nose instead of the head in general, you’ll be a one-hit wonder and insure a groggy, yet awake, partner is next to you.
2. Pretend it was an accident.
Look at Joe as if you have the Snapchat deer filter on. With those big, doe-like eyes, smoosh up against him and say something cute.
“Oops, did I wake you?”
Don’t stop there, though. Remember—you did this for coffee. Keep going.
3. Let him know you're thinking of making coffee soon.
Set the trap.
“I guess since we’re up now, I could make some coffee soon,” you say.
He may defer and say he’s still tired and could go back to sleep until his alarm goes off. But you’re ready for this dismissal; go in with this doozy of a combo-shot.
“Coffee will wake you up, silly.”
Then kiss his neck or tickle, whatever it takes to rouse him a little. He won’t fall back asleep if you keep talking and tickling.
4. Ask him how much he loves you.
I find the best way to persuade is to exasperate.
“How much do you love me?” you ask.
Wait for a response. Something like “a lot.”
This isn’t checkers, this is chess. Your moves are calculated, and a response such as “a lot,” should have you ready to cry out “check mate.”
Instead, opt for: “Awe, you know what’s funny? That’s how much coffee I want—a lot.”
5. If being discrete isn’t working, prod a little.
I would recommend sticking with the love bit from Step 4. You asked him how much he loves you, so tell him how much you would love him.
“I'd love you forever if you made me coffee,” you say.
Anticipate his next move. Wait for him to say, “You wouldn’t anyway?”
Sure, that’s as unfunny as the jokes* your dad tells at family barbeques, but laugh anyway.
*Example dad-joke: “How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.”
6. Get ready to enjoy.
Making coffee is like many things. Aside from chess, it’s also like running a marathon. Some people are sprinters. Joe is a sprinter. But you, my friend, you are a full-fledged ‘thonner.
From whacking, to tickling, to laughing, you’ve worn him down. The poor man just wants to sleep an extra 15 minutes. Whatever.
He will rise and accept his painful defeat.
And when that hero of yours returns after taking eight minutes to figure out the Keurig, you, well, you will be back asleep—exhausted from all that effort.
Ali Dimoff is a journalist, fictionalist, and creative nonfictionalist. She's also a fan of fanny packs because they keep her hands free for writing and eating fruit snacks.