Q: My new HP Inkjet printer is jammed.

A: Remove paper jam from carousel and try again. If only all problems in life were this easy.

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer refuses to print.

A: Load paper and try again. Replace ink cartridges and try again. Relish the opportunity to simply try again. You can't just try again with the relationships you've damaged. With your HP Inkjet printer, there is always something you can do, something you can try. Human beings have long memories. Human beings can get hurt.

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer prints an error page.

A: Follow the directions of the error page. What if all your exes printed out an error page? No one would ever feel isolated or misunderstood. Is it strange that you know more about what an HP Inkjet printer wants than people you've slept with?

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer does not connect to my wireless router.

A: Make sure your new HP Inkjet printer is wireless. You might have just bought the wrong one. You can return it. Unlike your college degree, your career in publishing, the years you put into a relationship with a mother who doesn't possess the emotional capacity to love, you can trade your HP Inkjet printer in and get what you need. It is like the laws of entropy don't exist, the scars of time healed over with fresh, new skin.

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer connects to my wireless router, but printing is slow.

A: Update your drivers. Look at your child. Hold her tiny hands and smell her cheeks. This is a human life that needs you in the purest of ways. While you are waiting for your document to print, hold her close to your chest and express your boundless capacity to love. Your document will print but your daughter will grow old, and despite your best efforts, you will let her down. That is what it means to raise a child, to lose control of the life that clung to you, to let the leaf fall off the branch and find its own way down. By then, the document will print.

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer only prints in black and white.

A: Check if your software is set in “monochromatic mode.” It might be. It is that simple. How do we stop a culture of racism, violence, and misogyny? We stop. It is easy as checking to see if your software is in “monochromatic mode,” but we make it so hard. There is no inherent human nature; every day is a choice. The world is ours to beautify or desecrate. Switch it out of “monochromatic mode” and witness the utopia of color.

Q: My new HP Inkjet printer is printing streaky.

A: Yeah it does that sometimes, sorry.