by Dustin Mark
Well, well, well, look who’s decided to enter the home of The Rock. A bold decision. Before you do anything, I have one question for you: can you smell what The Rock is cooking?
Can you? I’m not good at this, but it’s supposed to smell like spaghetti and meatballs. It’s what you ordered on our first date! The Rock would never forget that amazing night; it began the metamorphism that turned me into who I am. I know it’s not much – I’m not a world-class chef the way I am a world-class wrestler, actor, and massive person, but I’m trying.
I know The Rock has been a little absent lately. I’m away so often shooting movies on tropical islands, or hosting Saturday Night Live, or stuck in a door frame, and when I am with you I’m a little distracted, but that ends now. The Rock is going to put more time into this relationship, because he loves you.
The only reason The Rock takes on all these fancy, high profile jobs is so he can provide for you. Sure, The Rock can get a little carried away, and sometimes he gets lost in the grandeur of it all, but his main priority is you – he just needs to be reminded sometimes.
Come, sit, relax. Have a glass of wine. The sauce needs to simmer for a few minutes, so let The Rock massage your shoulders. He won’t bruise your collarbone this time! Baby, you do so much for The Rock: you cook, you clean, you look after the quarry when he’s away. You’re so patient and caring and you deserve better. It’s time for The Rock to stop rolling around so much and settle down. Maybe it’s finally time to have that Pebble we’ve been talking about? You don’t have to decide right now, just relax.
Really, can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Does that smell right? The Rock has never made this before but he followed the recipe exactly. Well, he multiplied the two-person recipe by four – one serving for his love and seven servings for The Rock himself. Is it burning? Really, is it? Cooking is not The Rock’s forte.
This is just the beginning, baby. Get ready to smell a whole lot more of what The Rock is cooking; tomorrow he’s making you breakfast in bed. After that The Rock has to go to the gym, but when he’s done he’ll take you to a movie. Anything you want to see, that’s what we’ll see – even if The Rock isn’t in it.
Do you smell what The Rock is saying? He’s making an effort and promises to be there for you. When we exchanged rings on our wedding day it meant we’d be together forever and The Rock would do his best to keep you happy. Even though The Rock’s ring won’t fit on his finger anymore, he is still committed to you.
Oh no, look at this, The Rock is starting to cry. Only you can bring tears from this unfeeling brute. It is as if you are Moses and the Israelites and I am, well, I am The Rock. The Rock isn’t completely sure, but he thinks that happened in the Bible. Drink from me, my love, and I will sustain you. And then drink some of this Chianti The Rock poured you. I ordered it from that vineyard we visited in Tuscany on our honeymoon. We had such a lovely time there. Do you want to go back? The Rock will take you anywhere you want to go.
What The Rock is trying to say is that he loves you more than anything in the world – more than wrestling, more than being a movie star, and definitely more than cooking. How am I supposed to know when the spaghetti is done? Can you tell if spaghetti is cooked by smelling it? Can you smell The Rock’s spaghetti?
But above all, can you smell what The Rock is feeling? It smells like love. Burnt spaghetti, Ragú, and love.
Dustin Mark is a writer and comedian in New York City. His work is largely unpublished and he performs standup comedy when asked to