Another day, another audition. Another audition, another role. That's the Hollywood life when you're a fat, disgusting man like me.
When it comes to acting, I'm working every day, just like “The Iron Man” Cal Ripken, Jr. if he was five foot one, seven hundred and eighty pounds, had dog food in his beard, and an actor. I've been on so many Law and Orders I might as well be a series regular. I was “Fat Pervert” on Law and Order, “Disgusting Lecher” on Law and Order: Criminal Minds, “Grotesque Molester” on the canceled Law and Order: LA, and “Blob-Shaped Rapist” on Law and Order: SVU. Those Law and Order people are great. Normally if you do one they don't want you back for at least two years, but my phone's been ringing off the hook, which is great since I cannot physically pick my landline off its hook. I have great chemistry with Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni. They said nobody ever physically repulsed them as much as me, and that was just in catering. When they bust into the Blob-Shaped Rapist's apartment, the look of horror on their faces is the exact same as when they saw me shove a Tupperware full of anchovies and ribs down my gullet. I'm surprised they didn't gag, but those guys are such pros. And Richard Belzer has the funniest ad-libs on the set. You should've heard him when we were shooting my trial scene. He was going off like, “you're a literal ton of human garbage,” “I can't tell what's more upsetting, your crimes or your rancid smell,” “if the jury doesn't convict, at least you'll still be punished by looking the way you do.” It's a shame all of it can't make the final cut.
People say LA is a tough town for young actors, but I'm twenty two years old and I have enough money to afford delivery all six meals a day. My schedule is jam-packed, along with my mouth, which I frequently keep coated with various jellies, jams, and marmalades. Monday, I'm doing a guest spot on Tosh.0 where I recreate a viral video of a teenage girl singing a Nick Jonas song and Tosh laughs at me. Tuesday, I'm doing a Burger King commercial where I lick my lips and bulge my eyes when they bring out the new crispy cheddar bacon Whopper. Then a pretty model says to her handsome boyfriend, “there's enough sweat on his brow to end the California drought,” to which he responds, “fat boy loves cheddar.” Wednesday, I'm doing a guest spot on 2 Broke Girls where both of the girls lose a bet and have to engage me in a five minute conversation. The comedy comes when they spend their birthdays in a dumpster instead. Thursday, I'm free, but I'm visiting my doctor because my lungs have been doing this thing where they seize up for fifteen to twenty seconds. They're apparently filled with cholesterol, which is a medical first. Friday I'm shooting a College Humor video called “What People Would Look Like If There Were Any Justice.” I play Robert Durst.
I even have an agent! I'm repped by Marty Felder of WME. He heads up their Freaks and Undesirables division. If you're a doughy little uggo or scary enough manic, Marty will make you enough money to order a Segway so you never have to walk again. I've been talking with him about WME repping me across the board. It's been a slow process, but this town moves so slow sometimes. Slower than the rate at which my kneecaps are disintegrating.
The beautiful part? Almost no competition. Most people are too ashamed or too dead to audition for these roles. Marty told me that Hollywood can exploit me for another three years if I keep neglecting myself. And when they cast me aside like so much fat trash, reality TV will turn me from a walking punchline to an inspiration. I'll be famous again for two whole weeks, maybe three if I have a drug addiction or learn how to lip sync.