A Series of Public Apologies From Shock Jock Thurston Hardwick

Hello. It has come to my attention that a recent remark on yesterday morning's “Thrusting Hard with Thurston Hardwick” has offended some of my listeners.

First, I want to say how important my audience is to me. Not only do I respect each and every single “Thrusting Hard” fan, but I deeply value and treasure their opinions and personal beliefs. Please know that I strive every day to make “Thrusting Hard” the best possible program it can be, in both my eyes and the eyes (or should I say ears!) of my thousands of listeners.

That being said, some of you believe that when I referred to Hilary Clinton as “that [censored] that [censored] more than one former President,” I was being sexist. This is not the first time I've been called sexist – just ask one of my many ex-girlfriends! I've had to fight accusations of sexism several times in my storied career – in 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, and most recently, in 2015, when Jezebel.com wrote a thinkpiece about a segment entitled “Win A BJ From Some Woman Who Doesn't Deserve A Name.”

But this is 2016, and times are different now. People are rightfully demanding equality from their entertainment. And like a fine wine, I've grown more socially and culturally aware with age. Also, station managers are far less forgiving with shock jocks than they were when ad rates are at an all-time low.

That being said, I am also a proponent of free speech. Even the most vulgar of discourse must be protected – I believe Alexander Hamilton or someone of that ilk said that. Though I apologize for offending listeners, I can not and will not apologize for my right to speak my mind.

I invite all my listeners to call in during tomorrow's “Loose Lips” segment. The phone lines will be open and all points of view will be heard. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, and I thank all of your for tuning in. Without you, I would not be Detroit's fourth most popular morning DJ.


Hello. Thank you all for calling in to yesterday's “Loose Lips” segment. We received so many calls it broke our phone lines. Kim Kardashian's butt, eat your heart out!

However, it has come to my attention that several would-be journalists out in the blogosphere did in fact look up my ex-girlfriends and interview them. The resulting articles have all gone viral, and many are calling for my job.

This came as a shock to me. Yes, even Detroit's fifth most popular morning DJ can be shocked! Who knew the Internet moved so quickly? While I won't link to the articles here, as I don't want to bring them any further attention, I can't ignore their impact. While some of the things my former lovers have said are patently untrue, I cannot deny everything.

Did I tell a former girlfriend I “would never hire a chick on my show?” Yes. Have I repeatedly harassed my exes online and in real life? Yes. Did I write an entire show in 2003 specifically designed to discredit Planned Parenthood before ultimately scrapping on the entire concept? No – the anti-Planned Parenthood show was retooled into a half-hour workplace comedy and shopped around to several networks, and will air on Seeso in late 2017.

It is often painful to look in the mirror. Sometimes, you don't like what you see. But I am moving forward. “Thrusting Hard” listeners, I assure you that neither I nor my co-host Larry “The Puss Hound” Schultz will ever demean women again.


Well, it turns out we slipped up.

Some disturbing remarks I made in an interview with Charlie Rose from 1989 have resurfaced. I'd like to addresses them, as well as give you insight into my head space at the time and clear up any misconceptions.

When I told Charlie “a woman's place is on her knees,” it came from a place of privilege and ignorance. I was regrettably unaware of the fantastic advances women were making both at home and in the workplace. Did you know that at that time, Margret Thatcher had been the UK's Prime Minister for over ten years? Good for her, and shame on me.

When Charlie brought up criticism regarding segment I did where I rated women on the size of their breasts, I brushed it off as something only “idiots and femi-Nazis care about.” That was not representative of what I was feeling at the time. What I was trying to say was that “Bazonga-mania” was never intended to demean women – rather, it was meant as a celebration of women's bodies and feminine sexuality. And those doubting my sincerity need only look to “Bazonga-mania X7,” where for the first time in “Bazonga-mania” history, I asked the contestants about their favorite places to have sex. I was very proud that we had given so many young women a voice for the very first time.

When I said “rape is funny” I was not insinuating that rape is a topic for comedy. It was a very sarcastic joke. My tongue was firmly planted in my cheek when I said that one.

My co-host Larry “The Feminist” Schultz and I take our jobs very seriously, and would really, really, really like to continue doing them. We all can do better – all of us, not just Larry and I.

Detroit's eleventh most popular morning DJ signing off.